I was alone, surrounded by drunk men in a bar downtown Seattle. The bar was wild and chaotic, and so was my mind. Waves of smoke filled the stifling air. I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t care. Dust and cobwebs draped over the flickering chandelier like a curtain. The booths were covered with rips and tears, filthy, the leather worn out. Candles were lit everywhere, creating a soft glow in the room, shining light against the black floral walls.
I sat in a booth, frustrated, staring straight at nothing. Why was I here? Good question.
Suddenly, I saw a young face. It had awoken me out of my trance, shocked me back to reality. My frantic mind slowed and my breathing settled. I narrowed my eyes and studied the demon eyes from across the room. I felt on edge, fearless, but that soon changed.
A sickening sensation seeped into my heart as I glared at a guy gawking at me. He smoked. This boy had straight, blond hair and intimate blue eyes. His face was long and narrow, lips twisted into a mischievous smile. He seemed dangerous, the way he exhaled the smoke, twirled his cigarette, his haunting eyes never leaving mine. Not for one moment. I wonder what he thought of me. What was running through his mind? I ignored my thoughts and the evil voice inside my head. Devils stabbed at my innocence with their pitchforks. What was happening to my innocence?
I’ve been told I’m prone to danger. I’m attracted to the men who never sleep, who live there days being a monster, ripping apart women’s hearts with their teeth and claws. The men who run toward the darkness instead of away from it, the ones with no direction in life, whose eyes glimmer with lies.
This is not alll of it. Just the first page. Thank you !
{ 7 comments }
Wow I like it! And I’m very picky about what I read.
=)
Very descriptive. I was there, I could see it all. I would totally read the whole thing. Keep on writing. Best of luck.
I personally think this is really good writing! It leaves you wanting to read the rest! I’d quite happily read it.
Hope i Helped!
wow this is good:)
makes me want to read more lol
This is really well written and described!
Great job, it captured my interest and held it long enough for me to finish the piece and I want to read more. You don’t go overbroad either, like you aren’t trying too hard to get it right, it’s flows at the right pace and isn’t overdone. I’d certainly read more.
Again, beautiful job! ^-^
Wow! That was amazing! I really could see the scene and feel what the character was feeling. Your word choice is also really good. Even though it is a great piece of work, here are some things I might change.
Well, in the next pages, you might want to go back in to a normal world so the readers can relate. Even though some might like to be next to some hot guy, alone, in a smoky bar, it’s not very relatable. Not saying it isn’t great, and it does a good job of hooking your reader, but they want to be able to connect with your characters.
“Devils stabbed at my innocence with their pitchforks. What was happening to my innocence?” This line is great, excpecially the first one. The only thing I have a problem with is the repetitiveness. If this is what you are going for, great, but don’t use the same words twice in the upcoming chapter. But if not, you might want to switch it up a little bit.
It’s pretty good. You draw your reader into the atmosphere very well. I had a couple of problems though. For one, we’re never told what she’s doing there in the first place. Why is she there? It’s obvious she doesn’t want to be there, so why is she? Go deeper into her thoughts about why she’s there. Set up the scene a bit more by giving “who what where when why” before you add anything else to the scene.
Another being the man smoking in a bar. I haven’t been in a bar in a few years, but there aren’t very many places that still allow smoking inside.
And the Devil’s stabbing her innocence is a great line, but there’s nothing behind it. We don’t know enough about her yet for that line to make any sense, so it’s very over dramatic. Why does she react so strongly to the man? Men gawking at women is a normal thing, especially in bars. What’s her background like that this would be one of her first thoughts about a guy staring at her?
Basically, you’re not getting into her head deep enough. You’re just skimming the surface. You need motivation behind everything she does and thinks. Give us clues as to who she is and why all this matters to her. I sense that there’s more to your character, but it’s not making it onto the page. Here’s a sample of what I mean by getting deeper into her head:
“I couldn’t believe i was in a place like this. Didn’t mama tell me places like this were the Devil’s playground? But I was drawn. I’d been sheltered all my life, forced to go to church, follow the ways of the Lord, but now… now I was free, and I wanted to experience life. But that guy. He was gawking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. Like he wanted to strip away my clothing and do all those wicked things mama warned me about.”
That’s what I’m envisioning when you say what happened to my innocence. As a reader, I want to know more about your character. But it is a very good start. You just need to go back in layer in more detail.
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